There are some moments in life where you'd looked back at the things you've passed through. Then it is no shock for me to know how I have done lots of mess in this world, to people. Ironically, I've been intentionally attracted to people whose in need of fixing in their lives without looking at the mirror first. In a certain countless wanderings of mine, I came across the memory of a boy I met years ago.
I took a glimpse look of it.
There were no such things as accidents. But the thirteen-year-old me didn't know that yet. A sudden and 'accidental' interest in my drawings was the start of every ruin that now remains. We contacted each other via text or Facebook, never face-to-face as I, too, scarcely seen him at school.
Nevertheless, the similarities we found on each other were abundance so the easier it got to make the topics we discuss longer. It was magical to find a person we've never seen before yet we felt closer to one compared to people we met or grew up with. As the topics soon ran out, he urged to call me probably thinking it'll be fun. On the other hand, my heart thumped hardcore because having a stranger phoned me was something new to my routine. Of course I went with it anyway, it was thrillingly fun and yes, it was awkward but not awkward enough for me to out of the blue hung up the phone. Thirteen-year-old me thought it through and slowly felt discomfort from all of it. I soon to realize the closeness of the acquaintance was starting to invade my personal space and it creeps me out. I kind of think that by distance, feelings could grow fonder, not by extreme attention of caring. Maybe the distance I gave was to him a challenge and it gave him a certain excitement for his race of getting the grand prize. He asked me to be his girlfriend afterwards. In my opinion, it was simply too soon either for me to figure what I felt for him or to know his pure intention. I refused, he was persistent, I refused again and again by convincing him why it was better for us to be friends. I think thirteen-year-old me made her first bullshit because in reality now I face, we want what we want. As simple as that.
That event didn't stop the time to tick. We carried on and sometimes few questions like "how are you?" were asked and I just answered it shortly to avoid the past i did not understand. Doing so all the time was simply impossible so we started what we had left - we were normal friends again. The time I spent with him was much but it didn't give me the opportunity to understand whether this thing we had was friendship or not. There were other boys and other friends to consider. In short, my life was pretty crowded by people and events. Is it the right reason? I did not know. In the middle of the confusion I had I unconsciously distant him again and it probably gave him an impulse, a stupid one, by writing about he and I in his blog. I was certain many of his friends read it and furiously boiled with anger, I snapped on him. How insensitive of me not remembering what I have said but I can assure you it was hundred-percent hurtful. Disgusted and embarrassed, my resentment to him was born. Making it worse, his friends who also were my brother's friends knew about us and since then, the cruel jokes about it were born too. I despised every word they say of it maybe because our bond was or could be more than that mockery my brother's friends said. So I started to avoid my hometown, just to avoid seeing him.
The whole thing brought me down. The resentment, cruel jokes bloomed and there was only one way to bounce back out of it -- i don't give a fuck. With that full of wisdom motto, I regained my spirit and bounce back to the surface. Little did I know that made everything never to be the same anymore.
So I've heard from my dear friend that he now smokes a lot, skips class frequently, play computer games on a daily basis and changes girlfriends. My heart aches hearing the news yet I hid it deep down so no one could see the regret. It was perfectly hidden yet I lived my life with one question on the inside echoes: were any of that happened because of me?
Strangely, I felt somewhat responsibility about it. The tangled strings were not yet untangled and we contacted each other again as if what had happened was a mere glitch of his... and mine. After such time wasted in the cyber world, we met.
We told stories how our lives were aside from the 'us' event although mostly I was the one who did the talking, he listened.
Afterwards, despite of the slight awkwardness of our meeting, we met in certain time and it was fine. It was doubtful to be sure of , but I somehow know an empty hole in me was long built and sadly, I still don't know why the hole was build. A reserved space for him to fill maybe? I absolutely don't know.
I can't be responsible to his life because it is HIS life and the world does not circle around me. What if all along he doesn't need any fixing? He is who he is now, right? Who might know that this was only a phase or not. Nobody knows.
The saddest part was, every time we meet, I only sense half of his presence. He talks about his personal problems and all but I can tell from his eyes. Even though we are physically close, we were distant. Seeing his distant gaze of his just made want to reach him, touch his cheeks, look him in the eye and say, "I'm here." But it is no use. It occurs to my mind, we who originally were like mirrors facing each other's reflections are now different. I am no longer the person whom he feels close with. I am the person whom he met or grew up with yet no significant bond from the heart.
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